Fair Weather Friends and Trauma Fetishisers
One of the main reasons people attend Counselling is to talk about their relationships. Relationships are viewed in three categories in the Counselling world. The relationship you have with yourself, the ones you have with others, and the one you have with the world around you.
Ideally, people want to be seen and heard in their relationships. They want to be nurtured and cared for. They want to feel loved, accepted and supported. The human need to belong is so strong, our health, sanity and survival depends on it.
One of the most obvious ways we can tell that our relationships are healthy is when we feel like we can be ourselves with others. We know that when things are going well in our lives, the people that love us will celebrate with us. They genuinely want us to succeed. It is not a performance or an expectation. When we are in a healthy relationship with someone, we are certain they want what is best for us. This does not mean what is best for them in relation to us, what makes them look good, or what makes them feel secure. They want to be in a relationship with the best version of us at that time. They want us to be strong, healthy, successful and happy. They don’t compete or compare. They don’t measure themselves against us. They have a healthy sense of separation from us and don’t project their needs, personality, achievements or contentment onto our identity. They understand that we are individuals and they can live their lives, run their own race and AT THE SAME TIME, want us to do well.
The same can be said for when our lives are not going so well. When we are experiencing change, transition, crisis, and chaos, the people who we are in truly healthy relationships with walk beside us. They commiserate and empathise. They don’t walk on eggshells around us or have any expectations or demands. They simply feel what we feel, provide comfort and understanding, sometimes distract us from our pain, and provide us with strength, courage and resilience by keeping us grounded. They become our normality and our constancy. They don’t take pleasure and satisfaction in our failings, tragedies, mistakes and confusion. They observe our lives, share their own experiences, connect with us and wait for the storm to pass. They don’t want us to suffer, but they validate when we are indeed suffering.
Nobody is perfect of course, and relationships take work. Communication is usually the key. Sometimes distance and time are the most important ingredients.
What is a Fair Weather Friend?
Fair weather friends (or family/partners) are the ones that can only be around you when things are going well. They are uncomfortable being in proximity to difficult feelings. They want you to put on a mask, think positively, ignore your pain and make THEM feel safe and comfortable. They don’t care about the reality of your emotions or lived experiences. They want you to accommodate them. They want a surface relationship. One based on ease, niceties, and pleasantry. They can only handle a superficial relationship with you. This may be appropriate for an acquaintance, a work colleague, the neighbour down the road. People you don’t have a deep connection with and where the investment in the relationship is only surface level. But for people who you need to be in your inner circle, where the support, belonging, trust and safety resides, you need much more.
A Fair Weather relationship indicates that strong barriers exist that limit the depth, sincerity and authenticity of the relationship. Even if there are rigid societal expectations around the definition of that relationship, for example that you should be close to someone you are biologically or legally related to, that doesn’t mean the quality of the relationship is automatically good. If both parties are not willing to put in the work EQUALLY, if there is no interest, investment, reciprocity and unconditional positive regard (a Counselling term meaning thinking good of the other person no matter what), then that relationship is doomed.
A Fair Weather friend is not the same as someone who has boundaries. Sometimes we need to protect our privacy, our vulnerability and our limits. We don’t always have to be available to share ourselves fully, even with loved ones. Everyone deserves space and time to process and to heal from difficult situations. Acknowledging that someone is going through a difficult time and maintaining sensitivity, while empathising and witnessing their pain is a delicate balance that can be achieved without intruding or exacerbating the despair with toxic positivity.
A Fair Weather friend misappropriates boundaries to disguise their dissociation, inauthenticity, discomfort with connection and reluctance to interact on a deeper and more meaningful level. They may not be doing this from a place of malice, but usually and more likely, because they lack the tools to regulate their own emotions, communicate their needs and feel or show empathy.
What are Trauma Fetishisers?
Some people only and enthusiastically show up when your life is in disarray. They never seem to be available to celebrate your wins or do so halfheartedly, but as soon as something goes wrong, they are front and center, fussing around you, giving you commiserations, and secretly enjoying every minute of your suffering. Sometimes these people are referred to as Concern Trolls. They want to take care of you to make THEM feel and look good, regardless of whether it helps you or not. It is often performative and transactional. They will keep a record of it and will certainly expect something in return.
These people measure themselves against others and the only way they can feel uplifted, is to observe and interact with those who are worse off than them. They rise only in relation to those who are currently fallen.
They may gossip and seem to know everyone’s business, especially when things aren’t going well. They are likely to place blame (which is different to accountability) and deflect the dialogue when it becomes the least bit optimistic or positive. They enjoy feeling angry and sad because it feels safe and normal, and when the bar is set low, they are less likely to feel like they have failed and they won’t be disappointed. This is called a Defense Mechanism.
It’s difficult to tell the difference between people who genuinely want you to do well and those who are only pretending. Sometimes people mean well, but our interpretation can be off and relationships require a level of mutual resonance, understanding and connection.
We must also look in the mirror. When things are not going well for you, it is hard to feel happy for someone who is winning…but it is not impossible! In fact, celebrating others, even when things are not working out personally is a test of a strong character. It builds empathy and resilience, and shifts the perspective from your pain onto someone else’s triumph. It builds hope.
On the other hand, when things are going exceptionally well for you, it is courageous and humble to notice those who are struggling. That doesn’t mean you self-depreciate or repress and stifle your own joy for the comfort of others. But it can encourage you to consider the timing, audience and enthusiasm of your happiness in the company of someone who is not feeling the best.
It’s tricky isn’t it. It takes a high level of awareness, both of the self and others, strong communication skills and a level of authenticity that needs effort. The most successful relationships of any nature, whether it be between family, friends, intimate partnerships, and workmates, are those that strive to lift each other up, support each other through both the good and bad times, build trust, honesty, respect and care, and be willing to get things wrong sometimes.
This is probably the most important part. When things go wrong, difficult conversations need to be had, differences need to be aired, new rules must be written and boundaries set.
Some relationships will survive and others will not. Hopefully growth occurs and the relationship can evolve or new ones will be forged from a better place.
Relationships are hard. We are all human and have complex thoughts and feelings. We all have our own subjective lived experiences and making connections with others isn’t always something that happens automatically. It is something we learn to do from an early age, and this development can be impacted by social conditioning, intergenerational patterns and sometimes trauma that teaches us unhealthy relationship habits. However, the good news is that we never stop learning.
The more we know about ourselves, and the people we are in relationship with; the more we hold space for each other’s authenticity; the more we encourage accountability and grace; the stronger boundaries we have; and the more we are willing to change, the better our relationships will be.
If you need to start somewhere to embark on having the best possible relationships - most importantly with yourself, your inner circle of significant people and further out with the world around you in general, Counselling might be a good place to begin.
