Reciprocal Relationships
One of the biggest killers of a relationship is a lack of reciprocity. The feeling that you give more than you receive. You may have friendships like this or intimate partnerships. It occurs within immediate and extended family structures, and it is also common within workplaces and employment. You get the feeling that people and entities are happy to extract and receive from you, but don’t give the equivalent back. When you do receive, it may feel tokenistic or unsubstantial, the bare minimum to keep you on the hook. This is often referred to as crumbing.
You tell yourself it doesn’t matter. That a healthy and emotionally developed person does not give only to receive. Transactional relationships are most common during early childhood when we are still infants and give something expecting something in return.
However, that doesn’t mean that a healthy and emotionally mature adult can’t feel slighted in a relationship that feels imbalanced and unequal. The level of imbalance may even border on abusive. It often results in compassion fatigue and burnout. Or the biggest relationship killer of all, resentment.
So why do some people give a lot? Generosity and kindness, love, would be the ideal reason. It is also a privilege to be in a position to give emotionally and materially, something we don’t often acknowledge. We also know that the dysfunctional version of this is known as ‘people pleasing’, an evolutionary survival response our brain does to keep us alive (ie. the Fawn response, the fourth aspect of the Fight, Flight and Freeze reaction to perceived threat).
The 4Fs - Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn
The brain's evolutionary response to actual or perceived threat.
The ability to give emerges from a nuanced and complex combination of factors that simultaneously stem from both being a nice person and reacting from the fawn response to perceived threat.
The good news is that there are healthy ways to accommodate the needs of others without betraying and disadvantaging, even harming the self. There are also times when there can be acceptance of temporary inequality that is unavoidable and can be managed through individual regulation and responsibility. This is a sign of a healthy relationship, when vulnerable people are accommodated by those who feel strong and well. These roles need to swap sometimes. It’s when the same people give and the same people take ALL THE TIME, that an imbalance occurs.
So, why do people sometimes withhold? There are reasons like insecurity, envy, malicious intent, embarrassment or shame, that can prevent the ability to give affection, attention or resources within relationships. Trauma induced mistrust could also be the cause which may lead to hoarding.
Economic rationalism is also a common factor. In employment in particular, but also in communities, families and intimate relationships, gaps between access to financial and material wealth and security can create competitiveness, uncertainty, mistrust and conflict. Capitalism is based on these principles which are used to induce productivity and growth.
Individualism is often the result, and these patterns may emerge from the impact of adversity, dysfunctional attachment, emotional immaturity and incomplete or interrupted development, resulting in an incapacity to connect and fully participate in a healthy relationship.
In fact, if we start to understand the human experience more deeply, we realise that this is the case for most people and is actually a normal and expected aspect of the development of the self and relationships within a modern context. For most people who live in a Western, Capitalist and individualistic society, the price of liberty is the loss of community and a tendency towards separation over unity, governed by an imposed system of lack and competition over what we are told are scarce resources.
So how do we improve and enhance the relationships that feel non-reciprocal and unequal? The ones that drain us, make us feel exploited and used. The ones that appear or feel healthy in the beginning, until we discover manipulation to extract something from us. Then, when the time and opportunity comes to give back, that person or entity retreats, disconnects, avoids and abandons.
When has a relationship simply run its course? And when is there an opportunity to confront the challenge, address the issues and move past the inequality to build something better, stronger and more fulfilling on the other side? What steps do we take and who can support us?
The fact of the matter is that we can only control our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours, and making sense of the complex intricacies of a particular relationship takes time and effort. However there are ways to address these issues that doesn’t burden you with the entire responsibility alone. Ways to communicate your needs effectively, understand your responsibilities and obligations, and come to a resolution that is mutually beneficial. There comes a time in every relationship that reflection is required and action must be taken for growth and transition to occur.
The 4Cs of enhancing relationships.
Stages of noticing, identifying, acting upon and practicing enhancement of relationships that are growing and transforming.
via Jemma Rane
Talking about it is a good place to start, especially with someone who isn’t the other party and doesn’t know you or your situation intimately. A neutral and objective person that has distance and perspective from the complications of the relationship, and does not have a vested interest in the outcome might be able to reflect the situation from a different angle and provide you with possible answers.
Counselling can be a way to clarify where the dysfunction truly lies. Is it your perception or their behaviour? Is it a bit of both? How are you contributing to or detracting from the relationship? Can you address it or is it better to pivot your thoughts, feelings and behaviour towards the situation to avoid unnecessary confrontation and ongoing re-traumatisation?
These questions can apply to individual personal relationships, but they can also be applied to relationships with systems and structures. For example, an individual or group’s relationship to a workplace, or the collective relationship of marginalised people to those who have privilege and power. The micro experience is often reflected in the macro. The personal is political - you will see me writing this here time and time again.
We all want equity and balance in relationships. That is how we thrive, how we develop our connections and grow into authentic and content human beings, working together to have a quality of life. It is how we heal intergenerational injustices and how we leave a healthy legacy behind for future generations. Negotiating relationships individually and collectively is the crux of the human experience.
Relationships can’t always be perfect, that’s not how it works. Relationships are dynamic, active interactions that need attention, nurture and awareness. They are alive and need to be kept alive with effort and care. Without conscious creation of a healthy environment, the inclusion of necessary ingredients, management of the unexpected, and an intention towards stability, relationships stagnate, rot and die.
However, it is in the moments of imbalance and conflict that we can find opportunities to learn, co-operate and do better. Be it in the relationships we salvage or the new ones we embark upon.
There’s help available, it’s not something you need to struggle through alone.
