A Safe Place to be Yourself

We all play so many different roles in life and accordingly we are required to wear the “correct” costume and mask. People keep insisting that the healthiest thing to do is to “be yourself”, but who is that really? When are you most “yourself”? Who makes the rules?

Personality and identity are interesting concepts. Being authentic is easier said than done because it occurs in relationship to circumstances and others. Most of the time, we are performing and the more honest you are about who you are, the more obvious it becomes where that is not welcome or when someone else is not. Being yourself can be great for you, but also terrible for you! It’s a difficult contradiction.

Self-regulation is all about knowing how we are expected to behave in a given situation, whilst at the same time, being honest about our thoughts and feelings. It is this balance that can be difficult at any age.

Children hide it less frequently. We condition them early to curtail their instinctive behaviour so that they become socially developed. It’s a contradictory message that tells them they have to ask for what they need, even learn to fulfill that need independently, but do it in a way that is socially acceptable. This means firstly noticing and understanding what they need or desire, then feeling safe to communicate it and do it in an appropriate way, and finally, to accept the outcome whether it is desirable or disappointing.

For some kids it is safe to practice this skill at home. They can make mistakes, which might look like dysregulation, venting emotions, doing too much or not enough. When they get the practice and guidance at home, they present their best self out in the world. For some kids it might be the opposite. Home is where they have to wear the mask and costume, and the world is where the dysfunction is forced to emerge.

The ideal is somewhere in between. The village mentality we all know works best tells us that kids need guidance, nurture, healthy attachment and safety to explore their needs and communication skills everywhere, so that their identity develops in a healthy and balanced way.

But what about adults? How different is it once we are out of the phase of development? And what impact does our development or lack thereof have on how we behave as adults? Where do we end up feeling safe to decide exactly who we have become, what we need and how to go about getting it? How do we have all the complex intricacies of our existence validated and understood, by others, but more importantly, by ourselves! Do we even care? Should we?

I guess it only becomes important when we aren’t getting what we want or when something major goes wrong, the probability of which increases as we get older. There’s more at stake. Our survival is up to us. We need to earn an income, care for our health and more often than not, for others too. And we face inevitable losses, big ones. Change and transition occurs sometimes without warning, sometimes with our resistance. The most significant thing that happens, or at least should happen, is our awareness is sharper. We see, feel and hold more. We know more. That takes immense strength and support! And sometimes it looks and feels catastrophic.

What masks and costumes are we wearing? Where and when? Do we get to take them off and change them up to suit the situation? Or has the mask and costume become our identity, far removed from the true expression of who we are meant to be?

Ask yourself these questions:

Who am I really?

Who sees the real me?

Am I happy?

Can I be happier?

Why am I the way that I am?

How and when do I get to a place of stability?

How and when do I get to surrender control?