Stress and Anxiety by Osmosis

Have you every walked into a room or spent time with someone and you leave feeling exhausted? My telltale sign is a headache. It can take me days to recover after being around people who are dysregulated, combative or simply unaware of the way they communicate and connect with others. I find some people are too withdrawn which takes effort to engage with them, and some people are too domineering, which leaves no space for any reciprocity or genuine resonance.

I catch myself in those states too occasionally. We all do it. Sometimes we can be lacking in energy and motivation, and prefer to be alone. And other times we are brimming with enthusiasm and need to moderate ourselves so we don’t become imposing on others.

Human beings are social animals. This means that we need each other and look to others for connection and protection. We naturally gravitate to our own kin and communities, but these days we are connected across diverse lines, which is supposed to be enriching not divisive.

Osmosis is a “process of gradual or unconscious assimilation of ideas, knowledge” and, I would argue, states of being or mood. When I work with kids, especially when we talk about emotional regulation, I explain it by saying that what we think and how we feel can be ‘catchy’. If we are amongst a group of people who are celebrating, like at a sporting event or a party, our mood will shift and we can easily ‘join in’. The same goes for when you are with people who are sad, like at a funeral, or angry like when people are arguing, we can very easily start to feel the same way. There is a place and time for all thoughts and feelings to be present, it’s about finding the right context and regulating our communication and behaviour so that it doesn’t harm others or ourselves.

This is useful for children when learning about consuming media, setting boundaries and managing friendships. It is also useful for adults to think about things in this way. Most of us are not even aware that this is happening, or realise too late, when we have already absorbed somebody else’s thoughts and feelings. We start to lose ourselves and any sense of what we actually think and feel. We abandon the need to find any evidence that supports the reality of the situation. We surrender to the mob mentality and can lose perspective. Sometimes this is the easiest and safest way to live as it is a protective factor to assimilate. However, eventually, not being true to yourself catches up with you. It can feel disempowering, manipulative and all consuming. There needs to be a balance between individual self-determination and belonging.

So what can we do about it? Empathic relationships are all about connecting with how someone else is feeling and trying to understand their point of view, but how do we do this without compromising our own beliefs and emotional stability? When do we acknowledge that it is no longer safe or beneficial for our wellbeing to be around people who impact our sense of peace? How do we strengthen our identity and our boundaries, and take responsibility for our own thoughts and feelings, so that we can resist the carelessness or lack of awareness of others? At the same time, how do we put aside our own biases so that we can be exposed to and learn from different points of view and lived experiences?

Building a strong sense of self doesn’t mean having fixed thoughts and feelings that are not adaptable to the situation or don’t change over time. That is just being stubborn. It’s called Cognitive Dissonance - when we hold onto our beliefs and values, even when (and especially so!) there is evidence that they need to shift. Having solid boundaries means being certain within yourself that even when things change and you need to transform, you can do so safely and with stability. And sometimes that means making decisions about who you interact with and how.

It can be easy to choose not to interact with people who are acquaintances or who you don’t have significant ties to, like the local shop keeper who makes racist remarks, or the co-worker who talks incessantly about themselves. When it is someone who you have a significant connection to, or someone who has more power, like someone in your family for example, or your boss, it’s easier said than done to just avoid interacting or even to challenge them. In this instance, you have a few options to manage the relationship so it does not impact your health and wellbeing adversely.

It is a subjective formula of course, as it depends on many factors unique to you and your relationships over time. It could include things like the need to change aspects of yourself, or being able to have difficult conversations. You could practice building protective skills and tools that you can access to influence the dynamic of the interactions and your relationships as a whole. You can also decide which relationships are worth preserving and which ones no longer benefit and nurture you.

Want to learn more?

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